The whales have had enough of our Michael Jackson laced propaganda films. They are coming for us.
Fed up with humans harvesting them for blubber and not receiving years of royalty checks from Warner Brothers, a whale took matters into its own hands. The whale breached off the coast of New Jersey, catapulting two fishermen off of their boat and into the ocean. From CBS:
“Two people survived after they were tossed into the ocean when a breaching whale capsized their boat along the New Jersey shore. The occupants of the 25-foot boat were fishing close to the shore of Seaside Park Monday when the whale surfaced and knocked the vessel out of the water.”
Neither man was named Jonah, so they were spared from becoming a feast.
Whales are lumbering creatures that are perceived as more docile than their aquatic cousins the menacing shark and playful, brilliant dolphin. They are the bass player of this three-piece group, operating mostly in the underwater background. The whale’s show-stopping routine is breaching to perform a backward belly flop. Which, while cool to see, mainly occurs on whale watching tours, so it can be a bit hidden from the general public.
The result is a creature without much sex appeal. To most, this aquatic hippo floats around, eats some fish, and has a splash on the surface from time to time. When compared to a deadly predator that has spawned multiple movie franchises and a mammal that convinced every human living in the 1960s that it could talk, you’re going to need more than a rare high dive routine to move the attention needle.
But sticking it to the fishermen is a badass move. Our humpback hero appears to be leading a resistance, crossing the Delaware River as the Continental Army did hundreds of years ago to send a message to his foe that his fellow whales will no longer tolerate being hunted for their oils and relegated to a ho-hum place in aquatic popularity.
Rising up against your oppressors and making them swim back to shore in shame is a story that everyone can get behind. This whale is also from New Jersey, which means it is tough as nails and has an innate love of Bruce Springstein. If you can’t appreciate a punk rock whale who loves The Boss, then you’re probably a dolphin loving fascist.
Bring on the Whale Revolution. The storylines of dolphins and sharks have been flogged to death. It is time for a new star: a rebel whale ready to launch itself out of the ocean and into our hearts. I am ready for you to change the world, Thicc Fish.